What are boundaries?
Boundaries have become a scary word in our society today. Often, when people think of boundaries, they imagine cutting people out of their lives completely. Others view boundaries as a way to tell other people what they can and cannot do. To some, the word boundary is a 4-letter word and the thought of that much confrontation is scary and overwhelming. While these are common beliefs, they don’t fully capture what healthy boundaries actually are.
So what are boundaries if they aren’t the things mentioned above?
First, boundaries are something that we all have. One of the most basic definitions of a boundary is something that defines what is me and what is not me. For example, our skin is a boundary. Everything inside my skin is me and everything outside of my skin is not me. Boundaries also help define what is and is not my responsibility. For example, owners of a property are responsible for anything that occurs on their property. As a result, property owners often set limits as to what they allow to happen on their property to protect the things they are responsible for — they set boundaries. Most importantly, we can look at boundaries as a gate that lets in the good and keeps out the bad. Often times we treat boundaries as a wall; if there is a little bad somewhere, we keep everything attached to it, even the good, out. Instead, we want to be able to set healthy limits on the bad things while still allowing access to the good things. Going back to the example of our skin, our skin allows good things in, like vitamins and moisture, while keeping out harmful things like infections and dirt. We want to do the same in our relationships with other people and things in our life by setting limits on the things that may be harmful to us.
How do we set boundaries?
In order to set healthy boundaries, we need to remember one important thing: I can only control myself, I cannot control other people. In the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, the authors say, “You cannot change others… What you can do is influence others… since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you.” In other words, boundaries are not as simple as saying “you aren’t allowed to do XYZ to me.” Instead, boundaries will look more like this: “If you do this, here is what I am going to do.”
Here are some examples of what a healthy boundary might look like:
“If we cannot have this conversation without yelling, then I am going to leave and we can resume this conversation at another time.”
“If you continue to hit your brother with the toy car then I am going to take the toy away.”
When answering a phone call: “I have 20 minutes to talk and after that 20 minutes I will need to hang up and call you back another time.” After 20 minutes has passed: “I need to go now, but can I call you back tomorrow evening?”
“I am unable to come into work last minute without 30 minutes advanced notice.”
Notice how all of those examples do not require the other person to comply with your requests. Rather, we are allowing the other person to make an informed decision on their actions and what the potential consequences might be. The child can still choose to hit his brother, but now if he chooses to do so, he knows that the consequence will be a loss of the toy.
The last important piece of setting boundaries is the follow through. It is easy to say that you are going to do something, but unless you actually follow through with what you say you are going to do, then there will not be much change. If you tell someone that you will not tolerate being yelled at, but when they yell at you, nothing changes, why would they stop yelling? Just like consistency helps children learn expectations, adults also learn what to expect through repeated experiences.
Now what?
Learning to set and maintain boundaries takes time, practice, and often a lot of unlearning. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about stewarding what we’ve been given: our time, energy, and emotional well-being.
If you’ve been struggling with setting boundaries or finding the balance between loving others and caring for yourself, you don’t have to navigate that alone. Therapy can be a place to process, grow, and learn how to do both well.
If you feel led to take that next step, I’d love to walk along side you in that journey.
